I’m not as strong as you think I am.
I’m not as strong as I try to make myself seem.
I’m not as strong as I’d like to be or would even dare to dream
Of myself being.
But I’ve been good at pretending. Even have you believing.
I’ve mastered the art of deceiving by carefully choosing
The right phrasing and words that would make me more appealing
And pleasing to hear and see,
And perhaps even have you wishing to be
more like me.
I have done what I can to elevate myself in your eyes.
To create some type of image some disguise,
All the while hoping and praying you don’t realize,
That I am up on a pedestal that I’ve installed,
That’s just a moments away from a crash and fall,
Making you see I’m not strong at all.
So I hold on with all my might,
To whatever I find,
Whatever I can
To help me stand
And keep me from stumbling.
Even my best
Still has me shaking
And I am unable to maintain my balance,
Unable to sustain this pretense,
This semblance of strength
And I experience something
I am down for the count
My face flat on the ground.
There’s no longer a need for me
To try to show whatever strength is left of me.
For my fear is here,
And I am exposed
Now everyone knows,
I’m not what they perceived to be.
Nothing left for me to do, but to
Accept the consequence that I’m due.
And with that shame takes its hold of me.
Shame grips me tight
That I don’t even put up a fight
For what right do I have
To refuse what is coming to me?
So I just wait and anticipate my fate,
My future becoming gloomy.
But what is this?
In an unexpected twist,
I am up on my feet again,
But it is not my strength
That makes me stand again.
With this sudden turn of events
It takes me a moment to comprehend
What has just happened.
Afraid to see
What or whom it is that is holding me,
I dare not lift my head.
Shame fights to maintain its grip on me,
Yet Love holds me instead.
And Forgiveness gently lifts my head.
Lifting it high, so that right before my eyes
I find that I am face to face
With God’s Amazing Grace.
In that moment of utter weakness,
is where I found true strength.
For I had it all backwards thinking
It was up to me to prove myself strong.
But I was wrong.
So in my attempt to make a vow
And declare from here on out
May this be my prayer,
That it is HIS power I seek,
And not my own.